Thursday, December 15, 2016

The thoughts, rants and ramblings of a survivor



If you've been through and survived many hardships that would either kill you, destroy your life or put you in some mental hospital if you didn't kill someone first then you'll totally get this.  I do realize however, not everyone has gone through the hardships or nightmares (which I prefer to call it)  that I or others have gone through. If you haven't gone through anything major that's great but just don't judge because one day you may just walk in my shoes or the shoes of another. Although I hope not. I don't wish what I've been through on anyone, not even the worst of 'em.

So, I'm writing this article for if no other reason than for my heart's sake. It gives me a chance to get it out, and it gives you a chance to see the feelings, thoughts, rants and ramblings of someone who shouldn't have survived as a result to some devastating blows in ones life... and as recently as last week. Which the enemy, I'm sure thinks he totally won, especially when I know a blow like the one that hit last week, would definitely send the strongest of people completely over the edge.

But... what did he actually win if I gave it God and chose NOT to let it get to me? Look, I know tragedies can cause a whole lot of damage and the after effects can be just as bad for years, having to re-live something because of the devastation of it all which causes your mind to never stop. Then you have easy memory triggers,  flash backs, nightmares, shattered hearts, broken lives, broken spirits along with thoughts of giving up or suicide. Trust me on this.  But I'm learning that there is a way to overcome this, although it's been a very hard and long road for me and the damages far exceeded it's boundaries at least now I'm seeing a light, (hope) at the end of the tunnel.

Okay Everybody knows, God is love, love is God. Yeah.. we get that. But what do you do when things don't match or line up according to the word of God? Because you know God is love, but then again he even loves the people in hell but that doesn't change their sitch, now does it?

So you may feel that God either doesn't like you or that he even wants to help you for that fact because of everything you've had to 'endure'. You know God loves you because "God is Love" but because you have endured so much more than the average person, and have been called a modern day Job because your life isn't much different than his, it makes you have to wonder...  "Does God Even Like Me?" And yes...  there are things worse than death. I know, I lived it. At least if you die, you go home and the nightmare is over... as long as you're right with God. Otherwise I guess your nightmare would just be beginning.

You can love someone but not like them. I've felt this and have had to deal with that for years feeling like God didn't like me because of the hardships in my life that were either beyond my control known as  "An act of God" or by the actions of someone else. Either way, God didn't stop it from happening and knowing God's word the way I do, I know NOTHING happens without his permission and/or knowledge.

I have actually wrestled with God, and flat out asked him if I did something to him before I got here (on earth) I even called him out and told him I would wrestle with an angel just as Jacob did if it meant some normality and goodness in my life. And trust me... I meant every word and God knew it! I guess when you've been knocked down and kicked enough.. you become brave enough to stand up for yourself. Even if that means you're standing up to God.

People would tell me they couldn't believe what they saw,  how someone who loved God as much as I did, would go through so much pain or endure (as they put it). Others.. said I was blessed. I would just look at them like 'seriously?' and hearing it enough, you just say.. "yeah.. you run with that!" But way too many in the Church, of all places, literally said that God turned his back on me. Trust me I heard it all, everything Job heard, I heard and more.

But regardless of what I was feeling whether God liked me or not.. I still loved God and still do. That never changed and even after all this it's evident it never will. It really doesn't take much of a brain stem to figure that one out.  But to be brutally honest, most would have ran from God. I know because I've come close to running from him but it was in fear that if I made a wrong move, a wrong thought, didn't tithe enough, or do anything right or quick enough then he would squish me like he's done to others in my life. So yeah... there was some paranoia there. (Okay.... so we're still working on that one.) Fear of the Lord and Fearing the Lord runs a fine line.  But then you have some who doesn't know the difference between conviction and condemnation and who doesn't have the discernment to know when satan himself has walked in the room so I don't expect everyone to get this. And that's okay too because I don't simply don't care anymore about anyone's thoughts and/or opinions if it doesn't edify or lift but it is what it is.

Now... I realize there are some who don't believe in God or satan, heaven and hell and that's fine, that's your choice, I have no problem with that. I am certainly not going to push my beliefs on you, because I wouldn't want you to push your beliefs on me and so I respect that. I also know, just because YOU or I may not believe in something, doesn't make it any less true. It is what it is. What I do know is I seen Jesus and I've seen hell. I never seen heaven but knowing what I did see, I know the rest is true. Besides, for me.. I have to believe! I have to believe heaven is real because it's the only hope I have of ever seeing my babies again because that's where they're at. They were very gifted and blessed, they really loved God so much. Even up until that night of the storm that claimed their precious lives. They knew God and his word and I made sure of it. God knew how much they loved him because he blessed them with their own weekly local television show. Fully paid for.

People tell me all the time, they've been through this and that and then I'll share just a quarter of my life and they say they don't feel so bad and that their problems are small. I've heard people pray and thank God that they haven't had to go through what I have. Let me tell you, hearing that isn't very encouraging.  I guess when I went through all that I did and heaven was silent, I was devastated, then I got angry, then rage set in. After a while,  numbness and that's when depression set in. For years I was in this depression so I just stayed in bed. I guess you can say I gave up, but it's not like God and life gave me much to hold on to at the time, so I guess we were about even.

Later, I learned God that was reaching out to me but at that point I wasn't listening. I didn't want to hear from heaven or hell. I wanted everyone to just be quiet so at least I can get some of my sanity back. I've had so many broken promises from heaven I couldn't bear just pretty words anymore and I certainly didn't want to hear anything from hell because that was a no win sitch... if you know what I mean.

I know being a genius doesn't mean a hill of beans when you can't put together the very essentials to answer some of the deepest questions when it comes to the things God. Sure, I can talk all day about quantum physics, mechanics, jumping, leaping, interstellar travel, star charts, dreams and visions, how things work and what makes things tick but none of that matters when your heart constantly cries out for justice and your mind analyzes every detail of everything because it simply does not know how to shut down. Always analyzing, always figuring, always programming, programming artificial intelligence, remote viewing, studying parallel universes, space, how they interact while working out every aspect of every little detail of things you went through and things that most wonder about and yet the things of God can be so far out of reach makes the greatest minds seem like nothing. Then again, who really knows the mind of God?

A scientist friend I knew would tell me he would have to have the very DNA of God  before he would believe regardless of the evidence presented. Signs, miracles and living proof that one chooses to ignore certainly isn't my problem if they are to stubborn to every try to learn or even willing to listen. He spends hours trying to figure what the sun is made of and yet has no regard for the very one who made it.

Regardless of how complex or the simplest of minds should not be so complex or simple that it ignores the things of God or hold no regard. Being a genius or being gifted in any area certainly has its benefits, but also has its cons as well. Such as not being able to sleep many nights because your mind is always going and those gears are always turning, always running, always analyzing, always figuring the when's, what's, how's, who's, where's, why's and for what purpose and/or reasoning and for what timing.  But then again we all know time itself does not exist beyond this planet. Only on earth is there such a thing as 'time' as we know it.

Then you have those who have nothing to do all day, no motivation, no desire to help or better themselves, then to speak nothing but negative thoughts and ideas to the world and won't help anyone if they can help it,  then complain because their life sucks.  That's just as bad as one who refuses to work and yet complains that they have no money and then say obnoxious things as if the world owes them a living. Now that my friends... is what you would call not living in the real world. But hey, there are way too many who are not happy unless they're miserable and have someone to blame for it. God forbid if you try to speak anything positive into their life or even worse show them what they're doing wrong without them going off saying you're way to positive. Some wouldn't have a clue if it came up and hit 'em upside the head.  But hey, I guess it takes all kinds in this world, huh?

Just my thoughts.. it is what it is... Just sayin.....

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